Signs of a Savior
by FiodoriaCorilia
Summary: A little peek into the story of my F!Lavellan and Cullen's romance, AU ending to the game, Cullen romance spoilers. Cullen reflects on what he had, and how much he, and the world lost. M for racism against elves, and prejudice against mages, as well as hints of assault.
1. Chapter 1

Standard disclaimer; Don't own any of the characters except my Lavellan. A bit AU with the ending of the game, what if things had ended a bit... differently, before the DLC?

Signs of a Savior

Time dogged him... no matter where he went... that time he had shared with the Inquisition... no. The inquisitor. That beautiful red headed elven mage... even now, in the aftermath of the days following her death, he hated the peace that they had. For it had taken the woman he loved from him. In the ruins of that accursed castle. His mind tormented him... he could never escape her memory. That day... on the battlements... the day he had prayed to the maker to bring her back to him... the day the maker had failed him. Andraste knew he missed her... so much. His heart ached every time he got a glimpse of red hair, and for a moment... he hoped she had come back... but every time he was disappointed. Solas had tried to teach him the ways of Fade-walking, but... he was a templar. Not a mage. There was no use. No need, either... his memories were as real as anything. Even now, he could smell her... always smelling like elfroot, and... something he couldn't identify. A soft sigh escapes him, and he whispers the prayer he had said every day since she passed. "Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the maker be my guide. I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the beyond, for there is no darkness in the maker's light, and nothing that he has wrought shall be lost." Even though he refused to accept the words now, he went through the motions, hoping against hope that one day he would believe again. He missed her... as tears rolled down his cheeks in the silence of the night, his heart ached more than usual, his mind drifting back to when she had tried to warn him she feared she would not be coming back.

/"What if I can't... Cullen, if I don't..."/

He had silenced her, unwilling to hear the voicing of the terror in his own heart. His arms pulled her to him, and he clung so tight to her, he feared she would break.

/"Whatever happens... you WILL come back..."

"I certainly hope so..."

"The thought of losing you... I can't."

"Cullen, you don't have to..."

"Give me this... to believe anything else would... I can't."/

She had pressed her face against his chest, and fallen silent. A few silent tears had fallen into his beloved's hair at the thoughts that had lingered in his mind.

A few short days after, he had watched her lead Blackwall, Dorian, Cole, and Varric off to that final battle. Blades had clashed in his heart and mind as he waited... wishing he had been able to go with her, to protect her. Hours had passed before a cry had gone up in the courtyard, and suddenly that tension was being relieved... until he saw that Varric was carrying a body... his heart sank as it began to break, yet still he hoped... hoped she was just unconscious... until he saw the sorrow the company's faces wore. He literally leapt from the railing he was standing at, and raced towards Varric, his hand on his sword, seeking something to strike with it. Tears had streaked down his face as he stared at the body in the dwarf's arms. The once proud Commander fell to his knees as sobs wracked his body, his fingers coiling around a ring he had had Herritt make for him... as the dwarf set that thin, pale body down before him, his heart suddenly shattered, and he let out a shout of defiance that echoed his soul being torn in half. She was gone... and so cold. Closing the breach had taken her from him. Blades sank into his heart that tore any life from his eyes. Yes, he still breathed... yes, his heart still beat... but there was no meaning to it any more.

Varric watched with saddened eyes as Cullen pulled the Inquisitor into his arms, cradling her against his chest, his chest heaving as he cried. He called out her name, over and over... and he called to the maker, begging him to bring her back. But it was too late... she was gone. The dwarf felt a pang of grief in his heart, his throat tight as he laid eyes on a wisp of deep red hair, and those damnable knife ears... they had lost a good, honest person. A woman who wanted nothing more than to save the world, and every soul within it. Varric had lost a friend. He whispered softly, to one in particular. "I once said that it's not a good story unless the hero dies... I was wrong..." He looked up as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Cole stood beside him, his own eyes sad, and even a few tears would linger in the spirit's eyes.

Cullen snapped back to the present, his eyes misty. Leliana stood next to him, staring up at the ruins of the temple. "I miss her too." Was all the spymistress would utter, feeling the need and desire to respect the commander's privacy.

He nodded politely before his mind drifted back to the past... that game of chess. She'd let him win, and he knew it. His heart ached... over and over at how much he missed her. That day... on the battlements. She had thought that her status as a mage had caused him to think less of her. He had reacted so hostilely as the clerk interrupted them... he had tried to tell her, without words how much she meant to him... he had been so certain he had failed... when she asked him what he would do if she were possessed. His heart ached harder at that thought. She thought he would kill her. And in the end... he would have to. It would have killed him to do so... literally. After he had killed her, he would have killed himself shortly after. So much guilt rested in his heart already... how he ached to return to Lyrium.

Once more his memory skipped a few times as he drifted to his own moment of weakness without Lyrium. He exploded in a rage at his own weakness. He threw his kit against the door as she'd walked in, nearly frantic with the desire to take it, always begging her to forgive him. He had opened up to her that day. And she had not let him down. A hand on his shoulder brought him back to that painful reality once more. He looked up into the eyes of his elder sister, and he snarled, pulling away. "Of course you're here, Mia... why wouldn't you be?"

His elder sister smiled sympathetically up at him. "You need your big sister here, Cullen. Whether you want me here or not. Leliana wrote me, and told me you were looking for a lyrium supply that was outside of the inquisition. Tell me why."

"The love of my life is dead... I want the memories to go away... I... I don't want to miss her any more." He hung his head, glancing away from both Leliana, and Mia. He could feel more sets of eyes lingering on him, and he knew Solas, and Cole were not far away either. In truth, he found their presences intolerable... just another reminder of what he had lost, in exchange for the peace they had. He had even received a sympathy message from the Empress herself. Even that brought memories back he wished would fade. How it felt to hold her so close to him as he tried to dance. When he had seen her step forward to taunt the Grand Duchess, and call her out on her assassination attempt... his heart had stopped. Yes, he was commander of a thousand men, and feared almost nothing, but in that moment, he had felt helpless. He shook his head and stepped away from the group that had begun gathering around him. He hated this... being singled out because he had been closer to her. He shook his head once more, a quiet sigh drifting from his lips. "Where ever you are... I hope you're happy, and at peace, Celebriel... Vhenan'ara..." Behind him, he heard Leliana begin to... sing?

"Shadows fall, And hope has fled. Steel your heart, The dawn will come..." Suddenly, a dwarven voice joined hers.. fucking Varric... always trying to join in with lightening the mood "The night is long, And the path is dark. Look to the sky. For one day soon, The dawn will come." He finally submitted to that memory, and sang along with them, though their voices faded away until only his remained. "The shepherd's lost. And his home is far. Keep to the stars, The dawn will come..." Tears spilled from his eyes now, and flooded into the whiskers that had borne into a half beard. "The night is long, And the path is dark. Look to the sky. For one day soon, The dawn will come... Bare your blade, And raise it high, Stand your ground, The dawn will come... One day soon..." The commander raises his head to the sky as rain begins to pour from the sky, as if even the Sky were crying for the loss of the that beautiful Dalish Rift Mage. Her name slipped from his lips, as if a prayer whispered in the dark of night. "Celebriel..." He sighed softly, more tears slipping down his cheeks.

Mia sighed softly, and stepped away from her brother, shaking those blonde ringlet curls. "Time heals all things, brother." She patted him once more, before she turned, and made her way back to skyhold.

As silence fell over the ruins once more, he closed his eyes, and let his mind drift to the other time he had failed her. That templar under his command... His eyes squeezed shut against that memory, fighting it tooth and nail as it over took him. This... this was the memory he had wanted so desperately to forget.

They had only recently begun to see each other, but in his heart, he had known that he loved her. That they loved each other. It had been darker than usual that night, even with the breach above them. He had just begun to train the templars... many were still angry about having to be subordinate to a mage... not only a mage, but a knife-eared one, at that. He had gone to his usual place on the battlements, where they always met when he was able to get away. He had waited, long after moonrise, patiently... when she finally appeared, she had a haggard expression on her face. By this point he had already asked many of her inner circle if they had seen her, to which the reply was always the same; No. There was worry written over his face as he watched her limp closer... and that worry only grew as she stopped short of him. By this point she would normally be in his arms, staring out over the mountaintops as they talked... but that night was different. She stopped, and just looked at him, as though those sad eyes could bore into his very soul. And then, as suddenly as she had appeared, she walked off, into the tower, which at that point had been unfinished. He would have followed, but something in her eyes told him not to. As she walked past him, he took note of bruises that had begun to form about that slender column of flesh that was her neck. As she neared the door, he parted his lips to question her, noting more fully the limp, and way she carried herself. Something was not right, but of course he was interrupted by a scout bringing him more paper work. By the time he turned back, the door was sealed shut with ice. His worried eyes swept the tower for any sign she was safe... and there was. A small flickering of light from the top of the tower. He sighed, and narrowed his eyes. Down below him, he could hear whispers... a templar or two, from the gist he got... His blood boiled as he listened to their conversation, his vision going red. One templar was bragging to the other about making the knife eared bitch his fuck-mage... 'just as she should be'. He seethed, and vowed to find out which templar had done this. His eyes fell to the tower once more... his heart suddenly leapt into his throat as the light, and ice were gone. He raced up the tower, taking the steps three at a time, as fast as he dared in his heavy armor. He hoped against hope she hadn't flung herself from the top... instead, what he found was worse. Another templar loomed above her, his hands around her neck. He reacted entirely on instinct, his sword sweeping out of its scabbard, and slicing cleanly through the templar's neck, smashing through bone, and slicing flesh and tendons. He refused to look down at the man's body... he knew what he would find. As she swiftly scampered away, towards the broken wall, he spoke, his voice soft. "Forgive me..." He took a step towards her, his eyes wide as she stumbled backwards, toppling over the railing. He cried out in terror, tears beginning to well in his eyes as he saw her near the courtyard below. Then suddenly, there was Dorian, twisting time around her like it was nothing, and carefully plucked her from the air. "Let's not do that again, shall we, precious?" That was said with a smirk as he carefully tried to set her down on her feet. The mage wobbled a bit as she leaned against the venatori. "Is Cullen alright?" Her voice was harsh to his ears. The commander left the tower and rushed down to where the two were. "This is going to be difficult to explain to Cassandr-" He was interrupted by the very woman he spoke of walking up. "You have ten seconds to explain why there is a decapitated templar in the tower, and why the Herald looks like she has been assaulted. Starting now." Cullen looked flustered, his mouth falling open as he struggled to find words. His struggles were ceased as Celebriel herself spoke, her voice soft. "Because I was. And because Cullen was protecting me from said templar. There are two more who need to be disciplined." Cullen was struck by her bravery... and her strength.

He spoke softly now, his voice almost strained. "Shall I handle the discipline, or shall I leave that to you, Lady Inquisitor?" His eyes locked on her soft blue ones, and he nearly melted at the look those eyes contained. He knew she loved him, just from that brief look.

"I cannot afford to appear weak to these men, some see me as nothing more than a mage. I must prove that I am their leader, and that if they do not obey me, they will not be obeying anyone. I wish it were a different way, but this is how it must be." As she spoke, her eyes darkened as though years of being with her Dalish clan had somehow darkened her view of the world... did they have things similar to circles? He wanted to ask, but now was not the time, or the place. He was startled from his thoughts as a hand was placed on his shoulder. "Go speak to her. She needs you." The young male mage nodded towards the departing elf with a knowing look. "Make her smile, or I will take a break from being attracted to men and do it for you." Dorian smirked a bit, and gave the commander a wink, nudging him in the direction of the elf once more. "Careful, my friend, or I might think you are threatening to try to steal her."

Dorian shook his head, chuckling softly. "She is a precious little sister to me, Mr. Tall blonde and handsome. You on the other hand. You, I would steal." With that revelation, Dorian wandered off to the library once more, leaving the blonde to his thoughts. Cullen took two brief moments to think, before dashing off in the direction his beloved had gone. As he approached the main hall of the fortress, he heard whispers cease, and received sympathetic glances. Was their relationship that obvious? Or did they believe she was afraid of him? His brow furrowed at the thought, and he was so lost in thought that he smacked face first into the door to her room. He heard Josephine stifle a soft giggle at his expense, and with his cheeks burning, he stepped inside. He could hear low sobs as he made his way up the stairs, and the sight that greeted him when he reached the top step made his blood run cold. There she was, his darling elf, curled up in a corner of the room, a small flame burning before her. It took him a few seconds to realize that she was naked, and the fire was comprised of the clothes she was wearing. "Oh my heart..." The sound of his voice floated over to her as he quickly ran, and then slid across the wooden planks, to wrap his arms around her, rocking her back and forth softly. She jerked away from him a moment before he pressed his lips to her forehead. "Shhh... it's alright..." His arms tightened around her, his fingers petting over that ruby hair as he murmured soft, soothing words to her.

The memory faded out, and suddenly he found Cole standing before him, his eyes narrowed lightly. The last thing he wanted was to have more people looking at him with that sympathetic, sick look. "What is it, Cole?"

"You hurt. I want to help. All those memories. Crying, smiling, aching... it's killing you."The spirit of compassion, who was more human than spirit now, all thanks to his Elven lover, frowned in concern at him.

Even just those words, and that look on the spirit's face caused him to ache. "I was going to ask her to marry me... I even had Harritt make us rings... but the point is moot now..." He mutters, his head shaking quietly.

"Forgiveness in the flaws." Was Cole's response, as though it would fix everything.

Cullen was about to comment, but one of the scouts, damnable, annoying things, came up with a small satchel, and a letter held out in each hand. "Commander? Cassandra found this in Celebriel's things..."


	2. Chapter 2

The former templar reached out a shaking hand to take it... but instead of ripping open the wax seal, he dashed off back to Skyhold, spurring his Charger faster than it could handle.

Iron Bull jerked his head up as the commander burst into the Herald's Rest, and demanded a jug of ale, which he then proceeded to begin downing... without pouring it into a tankard first. "You might want to slow down, Commander..." The qunari grunted as the commander just shrugged his shoulders, and made his way over to the door, obviously to retreat to his quarters to drink in peace. Unfortunately for Cullen, he would wind up with Krem in the way, his eyes narrowed lightly. "Kremicious, Move. Please." Instead of agreeing to the commander's request, Krem took a step forward, carefully forcing the other human inside.

"No offense, Sir, but I don't take orders from you. And, to be fair. Even if we did, we wouldn't when you need us."

Iron Bull quietly walked up behind the broken hearted former Templar, his hands coming to rest on his shoulders. "Open the letter." The low baritone of the Qunari was gentle, as if he was trying to coax the human into doing what he wanted.

Cullen frowns lightly, his hand clenching around the battered envelope in his hand. "I can't."

Krem held out one of his own, his eyes softening lightly. "She wrote us all one, Commander. Every single one of her soldiers, every single vendor, merchant, and other agent she acquired. She spent NIGHTS writing us, while we were sleeping, because she knew the outcome of that battle. She knew she was going to die, and she wanted to thank us all, personally."

Bull frowned as Krem spoke, his eyes narrowing minutely before he spoke as well. "She asked those of us who were in her inner circle to look after you. And I for one always keep my promises."

For a while, the blonde just glanced back and forth between the two of them, before he slowly moved over to the counter, slumping heavily into the stool. A despondent cloud settled over him, his eyes fixing quietly on the now partially crumpled envelope in his hand. His hands moved of their own accord, slowly breaking the wax seal. Those usually steady hands shook violently with the weight of the thought that this was the last piece of her he would ever have. Perhaps her last words. Those shaking hands slowly pulled the letter from the envelope, and as they did so, a small coin slipped out, and into his hand. As the realization of what it was dawned on him, he dropped it as though it had bitten him. The round piece of metal held his gaze as it clattered to the floor. As it came to a stop at his feet, a memory he cherished crept up on him and swallowed him whole.

/"Do you have time? I'd like to take you somewhere."

"For you? Of course I do, what's this about?"/

She had mounted her Hart, and he his horse... they rode into Ferelden, and stopped by a lake he had spent much time at as a young boy. As they walked onto the small dock they spoke once more.

/"Where are we?"

"You walk into danger every day. I wanted to take you away from all that. If only for a moment. I grew up not far from here, this place was always quiet..."

"Did you come here often?"

"I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course they always found me, eventually."

"You were happy here."

"I was... I still am."

"How will you survive without a parade of messengers and war reports?"

"I should be able to last the day... besides, I told Leliana to send word if..."

"Cullen! You. Me. Alone? Pretty lake."

His attention had snapped back to her, his lips curving upwards. "Right. Of course..." they stood in silence for a long while before he spoke once more. "The last time I was here was the day I left for templar training. My brother gave me this." He slowly pulled a small, antique coin from his pocket, staring down at it. "It just happened to be in his pcocket, but he said it was for luck. Templars are not supposed to carry such things, our faith should see us through." He fell silent once more, his eyes peering into hers.

Her eyes had widened slightly, and her voice had a slight tinge of shock lacing it as she spoke. "You broke the order's rules?! I'm shocked!"

"I was very good at following them... most of the time. This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the templars didn't give me." He turned his hand slightly to look down at it from a different angle. "Humor me." He said, holding the coin out to her, his eyes slightly worried. "We don't know what you will face before the end. This can't hurt..." Her eyes softened immeasurably as she looked up at him.

"I'll keep it safe."

"Good... I know it's foolish, but... I'm glad." He leaned into take her in his arms, pressing his lips against hers in a loving, passionate kiss./

As he came back to the present, tears began to fall down his cheeks, a few droplets falling into the creases of the folded sheet of paper. Of course, as he reached down to pick up the coin and stuff it into a small pouch next to his heart, the torrent grew heavier. He finally opened the earth... no world shattering letter, and began to read.

 _My dearest Cullen Stanton Rutherford,_

 _I know you are mad at me by now. As I write this, you are asleep in the bed upstairs. I hate to do this in the afterglow of the most AMAZING love making, but... I feel I won't write it if I don't. I haven't made enough time to write all of the letters I want to, so I have to write yours when you're sleeping. I will miss you, dearly.._

He paused in his reading, his eyes closed. He knew the night she was referring to... so far back. He had woken in to her already dressed, running her fingers through his hair. It had been their first time together, though hers in general. He tilted his head back, swallowing hard against the sobs threatening to burst from his throat. Once he had his emotions under control once more, he glanced back down at the letter, continuing to torture himself with his lover's last goodbye.

 _You make everything okay, you know that? All the killing... all the losing people... you give it a point._

The handwriting changed after that, as though she had held off finishing the letter til later. It was messier, more shaky.

 _Morrigan convinced me to finish this. She and Solas told me that even if closing the Rift doesn't kill me, the anchor will, eventually. Solas said it might open me up to spirits and demons... and being a mage, it might turn me into an abomination. I can't do that to you. I want you to make me tranquil if that happens, okay? I know it will hurt... both of us, probably, but it would need to be done. I love you, Cullen. So damn much. That's why this is so hard for me to write. We just spoke down in the chapel... you were praying to the maker that I would come back... Andraste preserve me I can't handle all of this. I want to run away... but I can't. I have been through too much with the Inquisition to flee now. It's almost over. Either way, no matter what happens... I want you to go on. Okay? I already spoke to Cassandra, and she said she would make sure you were. Force you if she had to. I don't know how to say what I need to. I guess... the hard part is saying goodbye... I love you, Cullen... goodbye._

 _Sincerely yours, Always,_

 _Celebriel_

His eyes squeezed shut, harder this time, before he sighs, his eyes flicking open once more. With the tears leaking down his face he stares up at the others watching him, inclining his head into a small nod. "Fine... You win..."


	3. Chapter 3

The faces of his two friends soften further as the commander breaks down completely, sobs shaking his whole form. As the flood gates opened, and he began to drown in his sorrow, his hand grasped the pitcher of ale, and he tossed it back, chugging the contents down. He then slammed the pitcher onto the counter, and motioned for the tender to pour another full pitcher for him. As a bit of thunder crackled overhead, his mind wandered... Celebriel loved the rain.

/It was a dark, gloomy day, yet the elf he was so madly in love with was more energetic than ever. She rushed about her duties with a vigor he had never seen from her before. While everyone lingered inside the halls of skyhold, she spent more time outside in the rain. Her eyes had glittered in a way he had never before witnessed, as if the downpour made her feel more alive. She had stopped by his combined office and quarters, absolutely drenched to the bone, and yet she just grinned at him. "Need any errands run? I gave the scouts and clerks the day off since it is raining." Her face lit up, and made her look more alive somehow, as if the rain made her vitality rise immeasurably.

He stared blankly at her for a while, before he finally summoned his voice, sounding a bit incredulous even to himself. "You're doing everyone's work today?..."

She grinned up at him, her beautiful eyes beaming eagerly as she nodded. Her expression was filled with childlike excitement, and as he watched her she bounced back and forth from foot to foot, as if the giddiness was too much to contain. "It lets me be out in the rain more."

He had smiled softly at her, moving to opening the door to the battlements. "I will have a clerk handle the rest... let us take a walk, hmm?" He smiled a bit wider as her face lit up like a Feastday Tree once more.

She dashed out the door, twirling happily as the rain began pelting down onto her. It was nearing Feast Day, wasn't it? He made a note to get her something special… perhaps a Halla like she had when she was with her clan. His eyes widened slightly as she turned towards him, those soft violet eyes suddenly welling with tears. He had been dumbstruck, and then, as suddenly as he had stopped he found himself moving again, striding powerfully out into the rain to wrap his arms around her. He ignored the fact that the fur of his armor was getting drenched, and potentially ruined, instead holding her tighter to him. "My lady… what's wrong?"

She huffed as he spoke, her head shaking quietly. "We are in love yet still you insist on formalities…" She slowly pulled away from him, leaning out over the battlements to gaze upon the mighty fortress. "There are so many people counting on me. I'm an elf, Cullen. The most disrespected race in all of Thedas. And I'm supposed to save it? On top of all this, I'm also a mage. So I have the potential of being a host for a demon. Which is why the templars don't trust me. And the mages don't trust the templars… and I'm stuck in the middle wondering how all this shit happened anyway. It's overwhelming. It's scary. And you are my rock. And I know you hate not being able to come with me, but… you being in danger would kill me. And you do a better job here."

Cullen had sighed, and nodded his agreement, just listening to his love vent out all her rage and frustration. His arms wrapped around her from behind, resting his hands against her belly while his chin rested on the top of her head. "It may not mean much, but we are all proud of you."/

Cullen wandered for hours, memories piercing through his subconscious to assail him over and over until he found himself in her room. They hadn't done much with it other than straighten up her desk, which had been perpetually cluttered with paperwork, drawings, and half written poems. He wandered over to the desk, his hand running over the hard wooden surface thoughtfully. He had spent many a night watching her draw, or write, or work at this desk from the bed… he had loved watching her… how intense her expressions were as she focused on sketching out scenes of her friends. The cute bow of her mouth when she frowned as she messed up a detail and had to scribble to fix it. The crease between her eyebrows as she remembered a particularly difficult part of a mission… and the small smirk over her face as she sketched a caricature of one of their more serious companions. His hands reached reached out to grasp the top sheet of paper, his eyes watering a little as it was an image of himself, sleeping, his face peaceful. She had stayed up one night and watched him sleep, just so she could draw him. He carefully rolled the picture up, and moved on from the desk, wandering about the room that was chock full of memories. He found himself beside her dresser now, his hands pulling out an elegant dress… she had worn it to the Empress' ball, he squeezed his fingers around the soft fabric, bringing it to his face to inhale her lingering scent. "I miss you…" he mumbles. He pulled the dress off of the hangar and moved towards the balcony, pointedly ignoring the bed for now. They had danced... or... she had and he had fumbled along behind her. A slow shake of his head cleared it of that melancholy thought, and he moved on to the balcony which lay across the room from the bed. He sighed softly, and leaned out a bit, resting his hands on the railing to stare out over the mountain ranges, which lay covered in a light dusting of slush-y snow. "You'd like this weather, I think... cold, wet... just what it took to make you feel alive." He shook his head, a small smile flitting over his lips as he remembered how it felt to have his arms around her waist as they stared out into the sunset. He felt tears begin to well up into his eyes once more, and he turns, finally staring at the bed, that had seen many nights where he lay with her in his arms. "I'll be with you one day..." He sighs, and moves closer to the bed, wrapping himself up in her sheets, after divesting himself of his burdening armor, and eventually fell asleep, enveloped in her scent.


End file.
